I know I’ve lied through out my life
But I’ve never lied about my feelings
My emotions are as real as the scars on my arms
I never lied about loving about learning to trust
I walked into the house with yellow tape surrounding the area
Flashing blue and red lights made my anxiety peak in curiosity
Men trying to hold me back as I screamed in their faces that I lived here
The crowds looking devastated the keys slipped from my fingers
I walked in you laid there in a pool
I knew you loved swimming but drowning was never part of it
I became numb a scream pierced my ears
A blade twisted deeply into your gut where blood kept on pumping out….your eyes solely traded on me you gave me a piece of your soul…as they faded in colour.
“Ma’am” but I couldnt speak
You left me with the inability to breath
I turned my back towards you as blood seeped to my feet
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me
I ran as they chased after me in shock
I ran till I reached the place and crashed
it’s a sunny asf day and you out in the meadows // tall grass land and you lying down, with your eyes closed it’s silent all you can hear is the birds chirping and the steady beating of your heart moments pass and the wind begins to pick up pace and slowly the raindrops fall as you sit up one falls down your face and mixes with a tear that escaped from your eyes
A smile graces your face and you breathe a shaky last breath – everything is finally going to okay.
The heavens have opened up and are crying away your sorrows for you.
For that moment I was eloped in darkness
I had died to myself
Decorated white and gold
Silver specks of fickled gold
All over white roses played down for you to walk on
Your laughter filled my ears as they cried I stood there starring playing with our charm
I stood there numb
Numb as the pain that I drew on my wrists
I stood there imagining red
I watched as your mother wept
Was it all my fault did I leave you too early and come back too late
Did you hate me so much that you had to leave
Is it my fault that you got killed
The pale blue ocean became your eyes
The dark grey sky became your hair
The black on white became your skin
I promised no more scares but you gave me a permanent one
As you always said what is a house with no trust
He just had to take you away
Every chill that ran down my spine
I felt
I didn’t weep I felt
Vulnerable
Vulnerability I never showed I couldn’t bring myself to feel to give to share
Red roses decorated the grave you were slain in
I saw it in your eyes as you sighed
You cried your last cry
I went down as you were lowered into your home
The smile I pulled through the numbness
The words I haven’t spoken since that day
The heaviness that won’t go away
I sickly look at you and remain okay
I wave at you like life’s is the greatest thing when I’d rather be dead..
Pretending to care to share to be okay
The trust that was never there
The separation that was almost there
But never happened because you claim to care
Less about happiness but its about sacrifice
Sacrifice while you lay 6 feet under with the child you carried
If he didnt want it why didn’t he just say
Instead of taking away happiness and leaving me dead
I lost my lover like I lost my hair to the pillow I laid and slept in
Till thoughts became dreams till dreams became what I dreaded the most
Act see if I care
The insecurities I feel when I feel like it ain’t real
What I want to feel
Flashing white lights blinded me as a object helped me breathe in and out in confusion
What day was it
What year did we begin
I slept for days but not many hours
I feel every emotion I fail to express
It knocks on the door like anxiety
Creeps up to me like depression
Fucks me over like society
It makes you heavy
It makes me want to draw on my skin
Till blood seeps through
I have no reactions to give about or to express
I don’t speak cause when I do something goes wrong
I don’t do wright cause things don’t go alright
I laid trying to decifer the pain scripted in your voice
The way you call out me name with such coldness we call love
It messes me up mentally
Kills the inner man
getting to know me 